But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

jessica's journey Dec 16, 2017

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me

I probably should have gone to see a shrink a long time ago

This wasn’t the first outburst…

There was that time in high school during my creative writing class when I detailed the events of that night and cried in front of the whole class.

There was that time in college when my mother told me she was getting engaged and I cried. Immediately. Only to find out it was a joke.

And most recently, there was the day my dad said, “she’s the love of my life”…..

A few month’s ago, I traveled with my dad to Mississippi for my Grandmother’s b-day. We’d made that drive many times when I was a child, but this time wasn’t quite like the others. This time, we would be stopping to pick up his girlfriend on the way. I cried, silently, in the back seat after we picked her up. I think I cried about 5 times on that trip.

I cried in the car. On 2 separate occasions.

I cried after watching her interact with my family.

I cried after watching them show affection to one another.

And finally, I cried after hearing those 6 six words.

“She’s the love of my life”…..

When I heard it, those emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. The words played over and over again in my head like a broken record and I could barely keep my composure. There were so many questions. When did this happen? Will you get married? Where do I belong?

And there it was, the question that sparks my greatest fear. That question takes me back to that moment 12 years ago on the living room couch when I felt more helpless than I’d ever been.

I’m not mad at my parents for getting a divorce. I’m not mad at them for breaking up what I thought was a happy home. I’m mad that I couldn’t make it stop, that I wasn’t enough to hold it all together.

I’m mad at myself because I just wasn’t enough.

12 years later and I’m still that little girl who fears that she’s not enough. What a burden to carry.

What’s your greatest fear?

I encourage you to write it down, think about the burden you’ve carried and then let it go. You are more than the combination of your fears.

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

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